The Simpsons X
by metallicanirvana
Summary: Bart has been a pretty irresponsible person all his life and now he is trapped in a relationship he doesn't want to have. There is some slash, starting chapter 5 with Burns/Smithers. Other couples involve Milhouse/Lisa, Alex/Bart and Marge/Homer. R&R.
1. Bart and Milhouse: Alex's party

-1**Bart**

My life is nothing but a midst of darkness. I have grown out of my rebellion years and there is nothing more for me. Now I'm 16 and childish little pranks will take me no where but I fail to realise that sometimes. All my life I have been a pretty irresponsible person.

When I was 10 I was just a typical child with a demonic side, a rebellious side that made me infamous in my town. By 12 I was in juvenile jail for 3 months because of an assault on my school principle, principle Skinner. By 14 my life was spiralling downwards, even lower than I thought. I was trapped in my own self destruction, drugs, alcohol, smoking, depression and other things. By 15 my sister had enough, Lisa reported me to the mental health hospital. I was taking in and I could have killed her then, I would have done it I swear to Satan. After 2 horrible months in hospital I was finally released, my vengeance had died and I was just another blank robot in a morally corrupt society. Now that I'm 16, certain temptations have returned along with new ones.

"Hey man, what's up?" Milhouse says as he awakes me up from my daydream.

"What do you mean?"

"You been a little down lately, you alright?"

"Yeah dude I'm fine," I hate to lie but sometimes lying is the best thing a person can do. The fact is, I'm 16 and I feel like a 10 yr old. I somehow made it into form 6 and my rebellious time has gone but I can't help but feel like maybe I should do something to take the suffering off of me.

"What are you jabbing about now?" Willie, the former groundskeeper, my maths teacher questions me even though he doesn't really care if me and Milhouse talk. He is one of my favourite teachers and he never punishes me, NEVER… and he tries really hard to teach me. I am one of those people that has very little knowledge but a lot of creativity. In my youth my creativity was expressed in destruction but lately its been expressed in my writing. I been writing lots and the only reason I go to school is so I can maybe become a writer someday.

Ring Ring School is out for the day, finally because every second trapped inside of that classroom felt like forever.

"Hey Bart, any plans for tonight?" Alex asks as she and Jessica walk towards me and Milhouse.

"Nah not really,"

"Well I'm going to have this party at my house, you two wanna come?" It had been a long time since me and Milhouse had been invited to a party, we were known as two Melvins, the third being Ralph and were supposably the most unsocial teens in Springfield. That wasn't entirely true, I mean Nelson like beats up anyone that tries to talk to him.

"Sure Alex, we will be there," I always wanted to explore Alex's house fully, I mean I have been there a few times to pick up Lisa but I only have ever seen the first floor and that alone is huge. I jump into Milhouse's car, it might not be the flashiest car in the world but it gets us around and that's all that really matters in my opinion.

"Dude why did you tell Alex we will be there?" Milhouse suddenly asks after a silence. He starts up the engine and looks to me for an answer.

"Well… we didn't have plans anyways,"

"Yeah but you know everybody hates us,"

"Awh come on they don't hate us… I mean they don't like us but they don't hate us either,"

"Dude, there is a reason we almost never get invited to a party, we suck," I couldn't really argue against that, on the popularity scale we are lower than those South Auckland hoes. The car suddenly stops at Moe's Tavern and we get out. It's one of the place's we visit regularly since Moe is such a nice guy he gives us drinks even though we are underage.

"Hey boy," My father is another drunken idiot that regularly visit's the bar. My worst fears are become my father, although as time goes on that seems the likely path I will follow.

"What will it be boys? Two bourbons again?" Milhouse gives a nod and Moe mixes some straight Kentucky bourbon with cola.

"Hey dad, I'm gonna be home late tonight,"

"Why?"

"Well it's a Friday night and one of Lisa's friends is like having a party…."

"Oh, your going to Alex's party too? Lisa told me about it like 3 days ago, yeah you might as well go cause I'll be too drunk to drive her home," Milhouse gives out a little childish giggle before I give him a hard glare.

"I just think it's cool that Lisa is going to be there," Milhouse says as he nervously blushes..

"Dude stop trying to hit on my sister already,"

"I haven't tried in years, ever since you nearly beat me up for it in the 5th grade, Why don't you think I would be a good boyfriend for your sister?"

"Don't start this shit up again," I say harshly as I finish my drink and ask for another one.

"Bart you have never told me why,"

"Look dude… me and you are pretty similar, we are trouble makers and I don't want my sister to end up with someone like me, I want her to have someone special, even though she is a stupid whiney little brat."

"Ha-Ha!! You're a girl Bart," My father says after finishing his mug and asking for another.

"Listen Milhouse, if you want my little girl go for it, but what makes you think that a whimpy, nerdy little punk can win over the heart of my daughter?" The rest of the bar erupt in laughter except for Milhouse and me. I felt sorry for Milhouse, he has never been a ladies man, I mean he had one girlfriend back in 4th grade. Samantha was her name but she was forced out of Milhouse's life by me, I was filled with jealously. I was jealous that my best friend was being taken from me and I was the primary reason they broke up.

Milhouse rushes out of the bar, after only having 2 glasses and I am forced to follow, I'm not gonna walk home after all.

"Milhouse!!! Wait," I quickly jump into the car before he drives off. He starts up and speeds up, passing the speed limit by a bit.

"Your dad's right, I am a loser," I totally agree on that but he is my best friend and I can't tell him he is right. I mean everyone is just a little bit of a loser.

"Don't be hard on yourself, I'm sure you can win Lisa over, I mean… she has never really had a good boyfriend other than that Irish dude,"

"Yeah Colin, even Nelson… but where's Milhouse? She has never shown any interest in me,"

"Maybe you need like a make over or something…"

"Dude only chicks get make overs,"

"which is why chicks who get make overs usually get a guy about 2 minutes after they get a make over," He doesn't bother arguing but instead decides to drive towards Alex's house a little early. When we knock I am not surprised to see Jessica answer the door.

"What do you guys want? The party starts at 7,"

"I just want to talk to Alex," We walk in and she leads us to the living room where Lisa and Alex are sitting.

"Oh hey guys," Lisa said cheerfully.

Milhouse looks a little nervous, probably at the sight of Lisa. She was dressed in a nice red shirt and a short but not too short blue and white skirt. Her face hinted make up, not a lot of make up like a whore that you could pay $20 for 30 minutes but the kind of make up that brought beauty to her face. Her hair seemed to have been straighten, running down near her shoulders and a few strands of pink highlights. It's always hard too say this as a hateful brother but she didn't look that bad.

Alex and Jessica looked dazzling too, apparently they were ready for the party now even though it was only 4:30. Milhouse quickly grabs Alex and takes her outside the house while I am forced to take a seat.

"Wow he seems a little trippy," Says Jessica with a little smile. She just like Lisa had the same pink highlights in her hair. Black hair with a hint of pink is kind of emo but Jessica is far from emo. She had a shorter skirt than Lisa's but it was in a luring black. Her shirt was a plan white shirt with the word "Nirvana" painted on it in red. She made that shirt, she in fact got in trouble from Principle Skinner in the 6th grade when she stole paint from the art room and painted it. Then she claimed that Kurt Cobain's ghost had painted it with blood. I wish Kurt Cobain's ghost would haunt me. That would be so cool, we can stay up all night listening to rape me.

"Yeah, he wants her to like help him out with something?"

"With what?" Lisa questions although she no doubt knows it's probably got to do with her. Everybody in town knows he has a crush on her and it's something he gets mocked for a lot of the time.

"You'll find out tonight," They let out a little giggle, no doubt wondering on how he is going to try and impress Lisa this time. He has done a few things in the pass but he has always spewed up before he had the chance to ask her out. It's weird, he desires her more than anything and when they are close to getting together he spews up on her. He even nearly shared a passionate kiss with her but ended up spewing up into her mouth which she swallowed and that was perhaps the worst memory of Lisa's life.

"So Bart, you gonna get dressed up? You look much better when your not in your school uniform," Jessica says in a taunting tone, almost wanting me too kiss her. I have always been in limbo, especially in the last 2 or 3 years. I have been stuck in a choice between Alex and Jessica, who I have had crushes on. Its hard to make a choice between them… I mean I'm not the only guy that wants either of them. Its weird to think they haven't had a boyfriend in nearly 2 years. But which am I too choose, neither would want me but that is way beyond the point.

"Yeah… uhhh I'm going to go get ready," I rush to the doorway where I see Alex and Milhouse still talking.

"And that blue hair is cool and all but how about nice blonde hair, just like Lisas?"

"Uhhh Milhouse I need to take the car,"

"Bart… you don't have your license," Alex points out as Milhouse hands me the keys.

"Uhhh… well… Have I told you how pretty your hair is, you don't even need highlights… it's all natural,"

"Wow you really think I would be stupid enough to fall for that?"

"No… well I mean I drive sometimes, I'm working on getting my license, it's just I don't have the $75 for the actual license."

"Wow that sucks, here," she pulls a hundred dollar bill out of her purse and gives it too me.

"You really giving me this?" I look surprised, I mean Lisa is like one of her best friends but Lisa hates me half as much as I hate her… she shouldn't be helping me.

"Yeah, my mum like uses hundred dollar bills for toilet paper, which is so lame,"

"Thanks," I say as I jump into Milhouse's car and drive towards my home. I always go just under the speed limit to make sure I don't get caught by the cops, although I doubt the stupid Wiggum can do shit anyways. At home I arrive to realise dad is still not home, this is his typical thing he does… Stay at Moe's for the hours he doesn't work.

"Bart!!!" Maggie runs up to me and clings onto me, just like the loving 8 yr old sister she is. I have to admit I always liked Maggie more than Lisa but that's probably cause Lisa is near my age and we have had a few battles while Maggie was still an infant. I scratch her head in an identical way to how Homer has done to me and Lisa.

"Mummy, Bart is home,"

"Oh Bart, where have you been? I got a call from your dad saying your going to be at that party,"

"Yeah mum," She groans and disappears into the kitchen, I can faintly hear her say something about a society gone wrong and teenagers behaving in an unorderly fashion. I went into my room to pick out something to wear. God damn it, I do sound like a chick today.

"What are you doing Bart?" Sometimes I wish Maggie wasn't so clingy and loving, it's hard to get rid of her sometimes. Sometimes you get so pissed you yell at her and then she cries and then you feel like a bad brother.

"just deciding what to wear at the party,"

"How about that black pants with the strips with your orange hood?"

"Sure," I guess that takes a huge part of staring aimlessly at the closet. The orange hood was given too me by Maggie because she thought it look just like Kenny's. I got to admit South Park is fucking sweet, I mean if you take about 40 pounds off Cartman you basically got another me, well at least what I used to be. I get dressed and fully prepared, I even shave off the goaty I had loved so much. It was possible the last sign of anarchy and rebelliousness that I had left. The school policies are all clean shaven this and shit like that and I'm just like what ever.

"My little man looks all grown up," My mum says that nearly all the time and it kind of gets annoying after 2 or 3 years.

"Well I'm ready to go," I jump into Milhouse's car and my mum gives me another lecture about driving without a license. I just put the windows up and pump the stereo. I drive to the party a little late, deciding to grab a drink at Moe's first. When I finally park Milhouse's car I turn the car off, killing the nirvana song that was playing.

"So nice of you too show up, by the way you know Nirvana is the greatest band ever," Says Jessica, obviously a little tipsy as I enter the house. She is the most rebellious person in Springfield, more infamous than I am right now. Back in the days we used to get up to all kind of crazy shit, especially in the 5th and 6th grade. We were like best friends, doing even thing together along with Milhouse. I know Jessica always saw Milhouse just as a loyal servant for her cruel and ruthless pranks.

"Hey Jess,"

"you want a drink?" When I think about it, I think I have had a few more than I should today, considering that I would be driving but when a beautiful girl offers you a drink you got no choice but to say…

"Hell yeah," She leads me pass the living room where there is a whole bunch of teenagers are dancing their heads off while some have decided to sit down with there partners and make out. I even saw one guy slip her girl his dick, I think it was Nelson, who like I said is just an unsocial teen as me and Milhouse. He has gain some popularity since he started dealing drugs and stuff but he is still not a nice person unless if your on his side.

"All that crap out there is nothing compared to this," Jessica says as she digs into Alex's kitchen.

"Absinthe, the nicest alcohol around, and it cost a pretty penny but not everyone will get a glass," She says as I observe the 90 label. She pours a quarter glass each and mixes it with coke. And also pours them into tiny little glasses, shots of absinthes… sounds fun.

"Are you brave enough to do something incredible stupid?" Jessica suddenly asks and I nearly choke.

"well my past indicates I am," she gives a little laugh and I though she was making a move but instead gets a lighter and sets the absinthe on fire. It kind of reminds me of that whole flaming Homer drink my dad created a while ago, even the colour but I doubt that would be as strong as what I'm about to have.

"Well, time to do something stupid," She hands me the tiny glass while lighting her own glass. I swallow it down quickly, it is possible the most nicest drink I have ever had. Then it kicks in, I feel a blast come out of no where. It felt almost as if my throat and mouth have been set on fire. I can't help but cough and rush to the tap. Jessica just starts laughing and doesn't stop.

"Strong huh?" She asks before taking her shot, she seems to handle it much better than I did but ends up drinking a glass of water before running to the tap. I still can't get the burnt taste out of my tongue and the feeling of scorching pain in my throat.

"Well want to go into the party?" I ask Jessica but she shakes her head.

"Lets just go hang out outside," I don't really protest much to what Jessica says and does. That is possible one of my biggest flaws and a few years ago it cost me. I was blamed for stealing from the church when it was her. Although after a while she seemed to get the same respect for me, in fact in the 7th grade she agreed on my plan to attempt to steal drugs and alcohol from Nelson. We got some much marijuana and heroin, we spent the night high. We had so much fun that night.

I had never been in the back yard of Alex's house but it's huge… it's like having a huge fucking forest in your backyard. Jessica leads me into the "bush walk". I nearly drop my glass at the pace she is dragging me at.

"Wow!!" was my expression at the empty spot where there was a lake with a waterfall. What makes it more amazing is how the full moon reflects off of the lake and shines into Jessica's eyes. Even when we were best friends I could see how beautiful her eyes were. Dark and mischievous, hiding not too much but not revealing everything. If I didn't cherish our friendship so much back in those days I would have totally asked her out, but she would have probably told me to fuck off.

"It's so pretty isn't it?" I can't help but nod. We sit down near the lake and I can't help but think this isn't going to be a partying evening for me… instead it's going to be a romantic one. Maybe Alex doesn't have any interest in me and Jessica is the chick to go for.

"Well we should be getting back," Jessica says with a sad expression and finishes off her absinthe.

"What's the matter?"

"It's just I think your great but Alex has this major crush on you, I must be really wasted to tell you that. Plus your one of my best friend's brother." God damn it!!! Jessica gets up and walks away.

"I love you Bart," Is the last words I hear from her before she disappears. I didn't even get the chance to tell her that I love her… even though I feel the same feelings for Alex. God damn it, I wish there was some way this could be easier.

**Milhouse**

It's amazing to witness what Alex has done to me. I knew she was always a fashion queen but I didn't think she was this good. My hair was blonde, my pimples gone and my glasses replaced with contacts. I have to admit I have never looked this good.

"Hey Lis," I say as I walk up to her, she was just drinking some scotch or something.

"Milhouse is that you?"

"Yeah," I say with a slight giggle.

"You look good," I blush a little and Lisa lets out a little laugh.

"Hey want to have a real nice drink?" I hope she meant her but she didn't, I realise that when she dragged me into the kitchen.

"Oh hey Lis, gonna have another Absinthe?" Alex asks with a less than happy tone. Lisa pours three glasses of absinthe mixed with coke. I drink it down and I can't believe how great it taste. Almost as if I was in Lisa's mouth.

"What's the matter Alex?" Lisa asks as she gets 3 little glasses, I am not going to take a shot of this 90 stuff.

"I saw Bart all alone in my backyard, I wanted to talk to him but I froze," Lisa looks confused as she sets the three little glasses on fire.

"You have never frozen up on a guy, especially on someone like my brother,"

"But that's the thing, like you're his sister, you're my best friend… and Jessica like has a crush on him who is another best friend. The only one of my close friends not involved in this is Alison,"

"Jessica has a crush on my brother?" I silently drink the absinthe and coke and when I finally finish the glass I pour another one with coke.

"yeah… me and Jess have a crush on Bart… but come on… we couldn't date Bart,"

"Well let's just take these shots," She hands me one and I nervously look at it. They both swallow it down and run to the tap in an almost funny way.

"Aren't you going to have yours?" Lisa says winking. Her mischievous smile is the thing that makes me swallow it down. It feels nice on my tongue and as I swallow a little bit I realise I should have downed it quickly. It felt like I had just licked the sun. I spit out the absinthe that was left in my mouth and rush to the tap.

"Totally amo'd the drink," Alex said in a much more cheerful and normal tone.

"Look Alex, I would rather have you date my brother than some stupid whore that would break his heart,"

"really?"

"Of cause, I mean you're my best friend, no one deserves to date Bart as much as you… even if he doesn't deserve you," I silently sip on my absinthe and coke, knowing it would be a foolish mistake to interfere with this golden moment.

"Alright, well I'm heading out there again, see you guys," Alex says as she grabs the absinthe, some coke and two glasses.

"Awh damn it, we split on that!!!" Yelled Lisa at Alex who just shut the door and ran off. I felt really tipsy from the absinthe which is probably why I said what I said next.

"Lisa, I love you," I didn't spew up and I admitted that I love her… wow… alcohol is great. Till what happened next.

"Are you okay?" Lisa asks as I continue to spew. She holds my hand when I stop and gives me a warm smile.

"I am now," I say with a warm smile as wipe the last of my vomit from my mouth and move in for a kiss.

"Milhouse, I might be drunk but I'm not going kiss you after you spewed up," She says with a laugh and gives me a hug, the best hug of my life.

**Bart**

"Hey Bart, you okay?" Alex says as she sits down and pours me a drink.

"Thanks Alex," I say as I drink down the healing potion. The same potion that causes stupid emotions like love. I have never gone out with Alex, me and Jessica went out for a while but never me and Alex.

"So nice party,"

"Really? I didn't think you would be able to see it out here," Says Alex with a smile, a mocking smile that is almost daring me. The way her lips curve into that grin is darling and I want to feel them upon mine.

"Yeah, its just when," I thought for a second and realised that telling her about Jessica might not be the best thing to do. In fact it would probably be the worst thing I could do.

"When what?"

"It doesn't matter, just feels better that I got some company," Alex gives me another warm smile and grabs my arm. Her arm is smooth and soft, something that I could hold on to for the rest of the night.

"Like I said before your hair is really pretty,"

"Like I said before you think I'm that stupid," She said with a laugh and I couldn't help but let out a small laugh myself.

"Have you even been inside the party yet?" She rests her head on my shoulder, some of her hair brushing across my cheek.

"Well not really I guess, I mean I did kind of get a glimpse but still,"

"well come in, we can dance,"

"That's okay, I don't really dance,"

"oh, well lets just have another drink here," I didn't even realise I had finished my drink but all of a sudden I'm feeling drunk. Quite drunk, I mean this 90 stuff is pretty strong but I don't want to stop drinking. Like I said before, if a beautiful girl offers you a drink you got no choice but to say….

"Hell yeah," She gives out a cute giggle and pours us a glass each.

"You know tonight has been awesome, but the best part is being here with you, Bart, the bright full moon shines onto your eyes, revealing the sweet soul inside," She clings onto my arm more, and gives me a kiss on the cheek. She must really be wasted, I don't understand what she said and she kissed me… given if it was just on the cheek.

"You know what, your right, tonight has been awesome, but this… this is one of the better moments of my life," The fact is life sucks, especially mine. I mean sitting near a beautiful lake in a hidden forest in a cold winter's night with a girl you have a crush on… that beats being strangled by your dad or listening to your smart assed sister.

"Well I think I might have to go soon, but… oh what the hell!!" I put my arms around Alex and put my tongue down her mouth. Her saliva has a taste of absinthe, after all she has been drinking it all night, but I can make out her sweet originally saliva some where.

"I love you Alex and even though I'm super drunk it's true,"

"I love you too, even though I'm super drunk too,"


	2. Bart and Lisa: Torn between

-1**Bart**

It's been two weeks since that evening that changed my life, the night me and Alex got together and I have to admit I doubt we are going to break up anytime soon.

"Hey Bart," The person on the other end says, I have to say I don't like phone calls except for when its from her. I mean phone calls are so yesterday in the ever grown society of the 21st century, I mean doesn't anyone know what MSN and AIM are… even a god dam cellphone that I hate. Cellphones are lame too, I mean I'm not going to spend $200 on a crappy little phone with a camera and then spend $20 a month for txt and calling all my friends. Fuck that, friends aren't worth $20 a month.

"Hey Alex, want to do something tonight, I mean its like been 2 weeks since we been dating, something for our anniversary,"

"Sorry Bart, me and my friends are going to the mall,"

"For the whole night?"

"Honey it's late night,"

"Oh… okay," Apparently she thinks friends are worth $20 a month and even more than her boyfriend. Maybe I'm being to clingy on her… I mean we have been spending a lot of time together lately and I mean we have only been going out for a fortnight.

"Well I'll see you later Alex,"

"Wait Bart… I hope you don't feel like I'm spending more time on my friends,"

"No, no it's okay… you have fun at the uhh mall," I couldn't think of a lamer place to hang out other than the mall. Long after our phone call ends I think about her. Her cute smile, her eyes, her hair, her nose, her breasts, her waist and her whole body. They say love only shows what really matters, all I see is her and I perfectly fine with that.

**Lisa**

"So how are you and Bart doing?" I ask Alex as I grab my school lunch with her and Alison.

"fine I guess, he isn't as social as I thought he would be,"

"Well duh Alex, he isn't that social but does that really matter?" Alison explains as we grab our crappy lunches.

"Yeah it does," Alex selfishly states. We take our seats and wait for Jessica. It's unusual for her to be late. When Jessica finally arrives we start to eat in silence. I think there is some bad blood between Jessica and Alex ever since Bart and Alex started dating.

"So how are you and Bart doing?" Jessica finally asks with a glare.

"Great, I didn't think Bart would be such a nice person,"

"Well me and Bart used to be best friends and we used to date too…."

"_used to _well it doesn't matter, I'm dating Bart,"

"Would you two just shut up," Scream Alison.

"What?" They both scream in unison. I didn't ever think my brother would be loved this much.

"I don't know what Jessica is getting angry about, I mean just cause I am going out with Bart…"

"We promised each other Bart was off limits, not just cause we are friends but also Lisa…"

"Shut your face Jessica,"

"You want to go Bitch?" Damn this sucks, two of my best friends are fighting over my brother… how did the world come to this?

"Please you guys, your fighting is tearing us apart," I state, our friendships, they could all vanish just cause of this stupid thing.

**Bart**

My tree house, since I was a child it was my refuge, my escape from all of life's problems. The meaning of life is death, life pushes you to the boundaries till you want to kill yourself, that's all. No all knowing creator sitting in the clouds, no expanding universe that will collapse one day only us, the people who we touch and our memories.

"Hey Bart,"

"Oh Jessica… hey, it's been a while since you been up here,"

"I know…., I mean we used to be so close before, I miss those days you know,"

"Yeah me too," She climbs up and sits next to me, I had to increasing the tree house in the pass, I was getting to big and there wasn't enough space for friends.

"You really made this place nice, like the posters especially the nirvana one,"

"Yeah, I know you would like it, you gave it too me anyways,"

"I did?"

"Yeah you were too poor or tight to get me a proper Christmas gift, so now I got wall decoration," we both start laughing.

"you know, we had some nice memories up here, remember when we got a bunch of heroin off of Nelson, just you and me, we had my laptop up here and were laughing to South Park as long as we stayed up,"

"Yeah, that was the movie wasn't it?"

"Yeah, and how many times have we done weed up here, the smell disappears much faster," Jessica says and I can't help but think about the fun we had up here.

"you know, we should do something radical," I suddenly say, wanting to live those good old days again.

"We should hijack the beer ship,"

"Nah, it's been done," I say thinking about this lame story I read. Something about a girl turning into a vampire after wearing an amulet. I can't believe I read 48 chapters and nearly 80,000 words for that and it was rubbish.

"We should visit sideshow Bob," Jessica finally says.

"What? No way man, he will try and kill me,"

"You worry too much. We can mock him, telling him how good it feels to be free," I think about it for a second, Jessica has nothing to lose but I on the other hand have a lot too lose.

"oh what the hell," I say, starting to climb down my tree house. On the bottom I see Alex.

"hey Alex, what you doing here?"

"Can't I even visit you?" She said with a mock laugh.

"you know I didn't mean it like that," Jessica comes down the tree house too.

"What are you doing here?" She harshly snaps at Jessica.

"I'm just visiting Bart, it's so tragic our friendship faded,"

"Well we were just going to go visit Sideshow Bob,"

"And get my baby killed? No way, we are heading to the mall,"

"No we are going to visit Bob and mock him,"

"No we are going to the mall," And there I am torn between a friend and my girl.

"Well Bart?" they both ask in unison, expecting me too make a choice.

"Well I did already say I was going to go see Sideshow Bob…." I say with guilty at my girlfriend.

"No Bart, we are going to the mall," Alex snaps and grabs my arm, taking me to the mall. I hate the stupid place, there are a thousand shops and a thousand people.

"What do you do at the mall anyways?" I question Alex, who seemed to be enraged… probably because of Jessica.

"hang out with friends, buy stuff…" We walk into the mall and see instantly walks into a clothing store and I am forced to follow her. She tries on a million things and asks my opinion on everything, every little detail.

"I think the necklace is nice too,"

"Yeah, the diamonds really shine," Why are there even necklaces in a clothing shop? I might no understand the fine facts about shopping but I don't really care cause I'm a guy. Finally when she makes her mind up about a cute little mini skirt and a bright blue hood for me(although I said I don't really need it).

"You want some weed too?" I feel my heart race, they sell weed at the malls.

"How dare you, me and Bart don't need that brain killing stuff," my heart slows down but I hope it would stop. I wanted to get high, it's been a while since I have had weed.

"Mellow out chick, wow the walls are cool man," Alex gets angry and tells the teller to hurry up.

"…. I can't believe that stupid asshole was trying to sell that shit, isn't it illegal or something,"

"It's not that bad," I say but quickly decide to add something after Alex's expression.

"I mean the guy was probably trying to get some money or something," I stutter out.

"but at a mall, this used to be such a cool place to like chill out, it even has a Calvin Clyde store," having no idea what that is I just nod. We decide, well more or less she decides, to eat at the mall. The one thing I hate is eating in public, rows and rows of people swallowing down the crap the mall has.

"This thai curry is good isn't it?" Alex questions me as I nervously eat. I have paranoia a lot of the time and this doesn't help at all.

"Yeah Alex, do we really have to uhh eat in here?"

"well yeah!" the last part exaggerated in a girlish, preppy way. It's hard to be seen with Alex, she always is greeted by people, she seems to have a lot of friends. It feels like I am her pet gerbil, sitting silently and listening to her talk to her friends about Dingo Junctions and fashion. I feel a lot of relief when she says it's time to go home, she is completely difficult to date, she is a control freak and my master. But all that doesn't really matter, her beauty and at times her words have me under a spell and I wouldn't have it any other way.

"What are you still doing here?" Alex says when she walks into my house. Jessica and Lisa were watching T.V.

"Sorry, I forgot that you controlled where I can be,"

"You shut up," Alex said advancing and Lisa gets annoyed and disappears into the kitchen.

"Bart, you still want to go mock Sideshow Bob?"

"Yeah, of cause, whatever dude…" Alex gives me a frown, an evil twisted frown that doesn't do her face any deeds.

"come on Alex, I mean we hanged out for a while," I say and she mutters something along the lines of "Fine go play in a dirty jail with that back stabbing bitch," Me and Jessica walk out and start walking towards the Springfield security system.

"What's the matter?" Jessica says just before we enter the jail, since I didn't say a word the whole way she knew something was wrong. She knew me too well and I don't change much.

"I'm just a little tired," I lie, lying is never the answer, only the solution.

"You sure," but I don't respond, instead I enter the jail and ask to visit bob. His cell was small, a camera above it, a toilet and a bed. That was all.

"Hey Bob,"

"What do you two want?" He snaps.

"I just thinking about birds," Jessica starts.

"Birds?" Bob asks in confusion.

"Yeah, I love how they fly around, the world is there oyster, the aren't confined to just one spot, not just one country, not just one little dirty cell," I couldn't help but laugh at the expression on Sideshow Bob's face. It got even funnier as Bob tried to punch Jessica through the bars.

"You know, it must suck to be trapped in there, knowing your aging horribly," I say as we both start laughing again.

"Not to mention smell horribly," Jessica adds, waving her hand around pretending to blow the smell away.

"You two just wait, when I get out of here…"

"You mean when your dead?" Jessica states as I start chuckling.

"Yeah it sucks you got life for trying to kill me, but what the hell is attempted murder anyways? It's like attempted chemistry… do you get the nobel prize for attempted chemistry,"

"You know, you probably having had any chicks around you for a while so you'll probably jack off to me tonight," Jessica says with a laugh, but I decide not to join in. I don't know why but that made me angry, the thought of the disgusting image of him jacking off, screaming Jessica's name.

"what's the matter Bart?"

"you shouldn't joke about things like that?"

"why not?"

"cause it's not really that funny, I mean the bird thing was better,"

"Oh…k," She drags the oh bit for what seems like forever.

"you know this place sucks more than east Denver." Now Alex was pushing it a little but I couldn't help but life.

"What's with your hair anyways? Haven't you heard of a haircut?" I state as the rage builds more and more in Bob.

"Screw this," Jessica finally says as she starts to walk out.

"well have fun rotting away in your cell,' I say as I start to follow Jessica.

"Wasn't that fun?" Jessica asks as she walks towards the forest I wonder why but my questions are soon answered.

"you want a puff?" the smell of Marijuana is strong. I can't but grab the roll and start inhaling it.

"you know I have never realised how beautiful this forest is," Jessica says as she grabs back her weed and starts inhaling. This is one thing me and Jessica only did together, Milhouse was too much of a pussy to try weed out.

"well this town is super lame so it has to have at least one good thing,"

"So true," Jessica gives me the weed and rolls up some more. She only took a few puffs from it and it's enough weed to give me a nice high.

"Come on, let's sit down near the lake," Jessica says as she grabs my arm and takes me to the lake. A lustful lake that reflects the beaut of the town.

"Dude, this is great," I say finishing the last of my weed and lying down. The wonderful blue is brightened by the weed and I can't help but stare at the clouds. Wow… that's weird, why was I thinking about the ocean's blue while staring at clouds.

"Ah ha!"

"Oh shit," I scream as Chief Wiggum appears out of no where. Jessica was paralysed, she had just been caught with Mary Jane.

"You two deciding to smoke sweet grass, well it's time to go to jail," States Chief Wiggum looking satisfied.

"No, not us two… just me," Jessica says bravely and I don't know what to do. I can 't let Jessica go to jail alone… I can't go to jail….but one of them is about to happen.

"Is that true Bart?" Chief Wiggum asks me and I can't help but no respond.

"Yeah it is, don't worry Bart lost his voice…. Has the flu or something,"

"Well you know I don't have anything against you Jessica, since your mum's cookies are the best at that stupid church function thing they do monthly but I have to take you in," Before Jessica gets cuffed she gives me a kiss, a kiss that makes me feel guilt. Either way she is going to jail for sure… the law in this town is if you do weed, you go to jail for 2 months.


	3. Bart and Milhouse II: Repair my heart!

-1Bart

It was in the news paper, the radio and T.V, you couldn't look on the internet without something about it coming out. The Revs daughter had been sent to jail, I was listed as the only eye witness, everyone had something to ask me.

"We got to go see her…" I tell Lisa and her friends.

"What? No way, we should go to the mall or something,"

"No we got to visit Jessica," Everyone agrees with me except for Alex.

Jessica had been trialled as an adult, and was sent to the same jail Sideshow Bob is in. It must be hell for her, especially after we angered Sideshow Bob. When we enter the jail Jessica is out in an open area. I guess this place is for the better criminals or something.

"You guys came!!!" Jessica screamed, I don't really see anything that would interest Jessica here, the only thing that people are doing is weight lifting.

"Yeah,"

"You guys won't believe how crap this place is, Sideshow Bob tried to kill me last night at dinner, some guys have tried to rape me here and everyone has stolen the possession I had,"

"Guys tried to rape you? Wow they really must have not seen any ladies in a long time," Alex says, not caring even a little bit about one of her best friends. I guess the term former best friend is more sufficient.

"Do you guys have any smokes?" she asks and I give her one.

"Thanks Bart,"

"You smoke? That's a no-no, each year over a million people die…" Alex is cut off from Jessica's exhale into her face.

"You little bitch," Alex says.

"That's it!!! I have had enough," I scream at them, getting odd stares from prisoners.

"I love you both and ever since I have been dating Alex, I mean Jesus Christ what is up with you two?"

"We're sorry," They both say in unison with remorseful looks.

"Wow Bart is better at this than us," Allison says faintly to Lisa. Jessica continues inhaling my cigarette with a look of satisfaction.

"You know, Alex maybe I'm just jealous that your dating Bart…"

"And I'm jealous that you and Bart were and I guess still are such close friends,"

"Well duh," I hear Lisa say but they hug each other as if this never happened.

"Well next time someone tries to rape you, use this," Alex hands her a taster and I wonder if Alex has it in her purse from personality experience.

"Thanks," Jessica says taking her last puff and stomping on the cigarette.

"uhh do you guys mind if me and Jessica have some alone time?" I was shocked too see Alex walk away with any objections. Allison and Lisa soon followed her.

"Jessica… why didn't you like turn me in, we could have split this sentence,"

"Bart, I was caught not you,"

"But still…"

"Anyways if you were in here you would be all scared that Sideshow Bob is going to kill you,"

"Well… while I'm out there I'm all scared that Sideshow Bob is going to kill you,"

"Awh you worry too much," She said with a cute laugh.

"Well I guess I'll see you around," it just felt a lot better to know Alex and Jessica are friends again.

**Milhouse**

"Lisa and me were great together you know," Said Collin deciding to sit with me in the absence of Bart. Those were his first words to me in nearly 2 years and they pissed me off.

"is that so?" I say ignoring him and drinking the school milk.

"great fun she is, but we had to break up,"

"Why?"

"cause it was getting complicated, my love of physics interfered with her love of chemistry, we started to fight a lot about it,"

"oh…." I personally don't enjoy anything sciency.

"It was a terrible ending, we fought about stem cell research in the end. Anyways, I hope you with the respect she deserves,"

"don't worry, I do."

"oh, it's okay to believe in chemistry too, that's where I went wrong, you must believe in chemistry,"

"Don't worry… I do," I felt at ease when he left but I couldn't help but think about what he said. I mean Lisa and this Irish dude had more in common than me. I wasn't a smart guy, people called me a nerd a lot but nerds are smart. I got to become smarter but my infidel mind rejects knowledge. Infidel is the word I was suppose to use right? It wasn't infant… cause I get those two mixed. Damn it, I really am stupid, infidel means baby and infant means not religious.

_Later that day…._

"Hey Lis, what's up?" I say looking at her sad expression, she was hiding in Bart's tree house all alone.

"oh it's just I'm kind of sad that Jessica's locked up,"

"Yeah that kind of sucks, I remember the good old days when she used to…well she was fun to be around," Well she made Bart laugh… they were sadistic and still are, I often objected to what they did but joined in anyways.

"Screw it, lets go to Krusty Burgers," She tells me and I can't help but agree.


	4. Bart and Homer: An uncessary Chapter

-1**Homer**

"it's not typical that I see you here," Moe says as he gives Reverend lovejoy a beer.

"just thought I might need a drink, I never thought my daughter would be in jail,"

"oh yeah, you will never believe you has been to jail," I say sipping my beer. It's warm on my tongue like a hot dog. Mmm hot dog…. I wonder if they actually use dogs in hot dogs, I mean I'm fine with eating a dog and all but only if I know for sure that it died in a painful way.

"your boy was with her when she got caught, is he dealing or something?"

"Bart dealing?" I say with a laugh. If Bart was dealing then I wouldn't have to work so hard to get the family at the just below poverty line.

"well where did she get the weed from?"

"it's a small, poor town, everybody deals now and then," Moe says as he pulls out a pipe and smokes some weed.

"what are you getting on your high horse for anyways? It's not a sin to smoke weed, your daughter was probably just escaping your tight religious grip," I say taking another sip of my beer. Reverend Lovejoy gave me a harsh stare before looking pathetically at his beer.

"maybe your right, I just don't understand where I went wrong,"

"Next time don't buy Mexican condoms, see sperm like tacho flavoured holes, that's where you went wrong"

"right…." Tim says as he drinks his beer.

"well, at least your daughters are hoodlums, I can't say the same about your son,"

"hey, hey Bart has some flaws but he isn't a hoodlum,"

"he is the most infamous person in this town,"

"no your daughter is!!!"

"Well to be honest, both of them are," Moe says but everyone in the bar knows Bart has slowly started to change.

"At least Bart is changing," Reverend Lovejoy says as he bursts into tears. I don't know what to do, I slowly move my hand towards him. I am so reluctant to do it, but I do it… I grab his beer and skull it before patting him on the back.

"don't worry, the bible one day will give you some answers," All though it hasn't actually given any yet.

**Bart**

The sun hits me sharp in the eye as I awake. It's an awfully sunny day but there is only thought in my mind. Only one thought ever in my mind.

"Lisa what do you want?"

"I want to know who stole my whiskey bottle," She says harshly, accusing me of a crime I have committed.

"Lisa, you shouldn't even be drinking, I mean don't you want to get into Harvard or something,"

"those dreams are long gone, I mean how the hell is dad going to afford that anyways?" She says as she sits down on my chair.

"you know what's special about today?"

"no," I reply getting out of bed.

"Today is the day Jessica is getting out," I look at my calendar, there it is circled in bright red, the day Jessica is getting out.

"your right," I say as I make my bed.

"well aren't you going to go see her?"

"Lisa… there is something…. Uhhh you know when Jessica was smoking marijuana I was with her… and I had some too,"

"yeah I kind of already figured that out,"

"you did?"

"Well my I.Q is only 175 after all,"

"I thought it was 185,"

"well a few drinks plunged it," My own I.Q barely makes it too two digits. The day went by slowly, me and Lisa were awaiting Jessica's release. We were standing at the gates, waiting for her.

"Jessica!!" Me and Lisa say at the same time as Jessica walks out, a free person again.

"wow, even the air feels better out here,"

"Jessica, I kind of feel guilty…" I start but Jessica interferes.

"I already said don't worry about it,"

"Well it was cool too see you come out and all… but I got a date with Alex, well not really a date… just going to go to her private theatre."

"oh, well see ya," She says as I start to walk towards Alex's house. She was waiting for me in the underground chambers of her home.

"Hey Alex,"

"Hey, well what do you wanna watch?"

"you got the South Park movie?"

"yeah, it's some where," She says searching the S stack of D.V.Ds. After she finally finds it, we sit back and relax on personal recliners. I have never known any one as rich as Alex and I have never felt comfort like this recliner.

"You know it's weird, but I always wanted too have someone like Wendy… I mean Stan and Wendy are perfect together and having a relationship like that would be awesome," I say as I get a frown from Alex. She isn't really like Wendy, in fact she is the complete opposite. Other than being popular they have nothing in common.

"I just want to say that I'm so happy that I got you," I say after an awkward silence.

"Windows 98 is faster, it's nearly…" Boom! I love that part of the movie when Bill Gates get shot.

"I'm so happy that I got you too," Alex says, get off her recliner and joining me on mine.

**Homer**

"Well now that my daughter is out I guess I'll be seeing you guys less,"

"Awh don't say that, I'm starting to like you," I say watching the Rev skull another drink.

"you know what I really enjoy?" He says as the bar listens closely.

"God?" Barney asks.

"No way man, having a nice gentle fuck with my baby Helen, I rather fuck her then read another page of the God damn Bible." He is really drunk now, and who wouldn't be after the amount of beers he has had.

"yeah man, you wife is a totally babe, I mean if she didn't have grey hair and all," Moe said, he too had a bit too drink.

"What did you say?" The rev asked drinking another beer.

"I said I would fuck your wife, I bet she is as sluty as your daughter,"

"That's it buddy," The Rev punches Moe and Moe returns the favour. They start fighting it out because they are drunk. Alcohol really is the cause of all problems as well as all solutions. It makes you reveal your true self in a way, you would never have the guts to say something like that unless your drunk and Moe does actually think Helen is hot. Religious Babes… eww!! Well except that Maude Flanders, except that she is kind of dead… oh well I can be a necrophiliac. I mean I always wondered what it would be like fuck Marilyn Monroe.

"ok, Break it up!" I say after the fight is over and both lay on the ground bleeding.

"uhhh Barney, maybe you should call the ambulance,"

"uhhh screw that, I can get free beer when Moe is knocked out," I do it myself, the ambulance takes a while to get here. We had the number on speed dial, even though it's just faster to dial in 91... Uhh and what ever the last digit is. I walk home, after grabbing all the beer bottles that I could.

"Daddy, where's the car?"

"oh, uhhh I forgot,"

"HOMER!!!" Marge said but I was too drunk to really care. Jessica was sitting on the couch with Alex and Lisa while Maggie was pulling on my pants in a cute way.

"oh Jessica, your dad got into a fight?"

"you got to be joking, fighting is so last century you know. Plus isn't your dad like a church guy or something?" Alex asks as sips on her ice tea.

"my dad is a Reverend!" Jessica says a little annoyed.

"I can sense some rivalry between you too, I know how to solve your problem, here.. Have a beer,"

"HOMER!!" Marge says as she grabs the beers from me.

"What? It will calm them down,"

"no it won't,"

"worked for her dad… uhh scratch that,"

"Dad, it's okay, Alex and Jessica have made up,"

"oh, well in that case give me back my beer,"

"we don't have your beer,"

"oh…Hey Alex if your free tonight then you can meet me in the shed after dark…"

"HOMER!!!" Marge wasn't the only one that screamed that, Bart said it too.

"Fine, Fine.. How about you Jessica? Your daddy told me your very naughty," I say with short chuckle. Suddenly everything turns black, damn I didn't think I had enough to drink to pass out.


	5. Bart and Smithers: Bad days

**Bart**

Alex is boring, I know she is pretty and all and I love her but she is really self centred and preppy. If she drags me to the mall one more time I swear I'm going to snap, I know I haven't told her I hate the mall yet but I'll say it.

"Bart," I was sitting in my tree house, hiding from my problems as Lisa walked up into my tree house.

"You like hiding up here don't you?"

"I'm not hiding from anything,"

"What about Alex?"

"How do you know about that?"

"It's obvious; you're not into the things she is. I knew sooner or later you will hide from her."

"I'm not hiding from her; I just don't want to go to the mall."

"I'm sure. I'm afraid you're going to have to deal with Alex. Do you really love her enough to let her habits and personalities come in between you?" Personality… that's one of the things that you are supposes to love about your girlfriend. I think the only reason me and Alex are going out is physical love not psychology; we have nothing in common.

**Smithers**

I quietly cleaned his vase while he was sitting in the living room. I couldn't help but reminisce about our trip to Japan. I know it was a business trip and all but I couldn't help but be distracted by him sitting in the chair. He was so masculine yet a fragile flower that needs to be cherished.

"What are you doing Smithers?"

"Huh?" I say observing my boss, my best friend and the love I so deeply desire.

"I asked what you are doing, you have been cleaning that fucking thing for about 20 minutes and it wasn't that dirty to begin with."

"I was just thinking…" I say, I couldn't think of an excuse fast enough. He was a cruel boss at times; it was one of the things that make my heart beat faster. I can't help but feel this funny feeling in my heart when he yells at an employee at the plant or slaps a lawyer when they can't think of a way to sue someone.

"Well I'm not paying you to think,"

"You're hardly paying me at all," I mutter under my breath as I move into the kitchen. I love the diners we have, he silently eats something before telling me about how slack the generations that followed his are.

"Smithers, I have a job for you,"

"Well I'm kind of busy with the lobster, sir"

"Well who else am I going to get to do this you worthless chump. I need you too take this letter to Professor Frink."

"Letter? To Frink?"

"Are you deaf or stupid? I told you what to do, now do it before I replace you with a carbon rod." The sad thing about that he might actually do it. I take the letter from him and start walking towards the observatory.

"Where is professor Frink?"

"At the local bar," a nerdy professor said. Professor Frink doesn't drink or so I thought. I rush to the local bar, there is only one bar in Springfield and I know employees from the plant regularly drink there.

"Uhh I'm working Smithers sir," Homer says pushing some invisible buttons in the air.

"What are you doing down here?" Professor Frink asks.

"More like, what are you doing down here?"

"Uhh I decided to have a drink."

"Right," I hand him the paper with the nice curvy writing of my boss. I don't know what he wants from Frink.

"Well now that you're here, you might as well have a drink." Moe says getting a glass ready.

"Oh that's ok; I don't really drink beer…"

"Wine then?"

"Well… maybe a little bit of wine." Before I knew it, I was drunk.

"You know, I have served that son of a bitch all my life and what do I get from it?"

"SMITHERS!" Mr Burns was standing at the doorway looking angry. He was fuming; his cheeks were red with rage. Oh shit, I quickly down my beer; I decided to drink it after I got bored of wine. I also had some shots of whiskey; I don't understand why these drunks only drink beer.

"You know I have had enough of your crap, all I wanted was one date with you. I would have treated you right but no, you got to spend all your time working. I am forced to jack off in the back rooms while your sitting in some room discussing why nuclear power should be legal in places like New Zealand. Who gives a fuck about New Zealand? What about me?"


End file.
